I always wanted to have kids. When I got married, my husband stood up in church one Sunday, and told the congregation that he wanted seven kids. I was like, “whoa, that’s a lot. I was thinking more like two or three.” We were both in agreement on having kids, and shortly after we got married, we were in a bit of a rocky place, and we found out that I was pregnant. The stress of finances at the time and disagreements must not have helped, because I went in for my six week check up and things were fine. When I went in for my ten week check, something was wrong. They stated that the baby had already passed on and that my body was rejecting the baby.

Rejecting. The. Baby. I was flooded with so many thoughts. Had I eaten the wrong thing? Done too much at work? Moved too quickly? The guilt that comes with having a miscarriage is unreal, but real, nonetheless. Especially when doctor’s can’t explain what happened or what went wrong - why is usually never answered. I asked God what was wrong with me, and where I had went wrong.

Truth: It is not your fault. Repeat that out loud as many times as you need to. The enemy will try to trap you in that guilt and blame of yourself.

There was also the concerns as to whether or not I would be able to carry a baby or whether or not my womb would reject any future babies. I remember standing in church and the Co-Pastor placing her hand on my belly and praying for life in my womb. Some days were harder than others, and I cried a lot, and wrote in my journal. I believe that my baby was with God and that there was a reason that God didn’t allow my baby to be born. I didn’t understand it, but I trusted God.

About six months later, I found out that I was pregnant again. I was nervous to say anything because once you have miscarried, the fear that comes with it doesn’t go away. For the first ten weeks, I tried to stay calm and neutral. Eat right. Get plenty of sleep. Take care of myself. Trying to make sure I was doing all of the “right" things. When I went to my ten week check, all was fine, and I proceeded to the next check. Once I cleared that one, I felt much more comfortable, and was able to start sharing the news. This time, God allowed my daughter to be born.

When she was a little over a year, I miscarried again. It was just as devastating as the first time. It wasn’t any easier. It didn’t hurt less. It was a tough season to walk through, especially while still taking care of my daughter. About six months after that, I found out that I was pregnant again, and this time, it went full term, and my son was born. We decided that we would be done for a while, so I got on the IUD - by far the best form of birth control in my opinion; the non-hormonal one.

When my son was about three years old, we decided that we wanted to try again. Two years in a row, we lost two babies back-to-back. Heartbeat there at six weeks, gone at ten weeks. The heartache and heartbreak are hard to explain. If you have ever miscarried, you know exactly what I am referring to. You feel the loss physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. It stretches and tests your faith in ways you never thought possible. Six years after my son was born, we conceived again. I held my breath for fourteen weeks. Once the doctor said the baby was doing well and had a strong heartbeat, I finally said something. I was excited, and knew this would be my last time, and I wanted to enjoy it. I had grown so much as a woman by this pregnancy, that I focused more on my mental health and choosing what I thought was best for me and for my growing baby. He stayed with me full term, and was born the morning of the 39th week, just like my other two had done.

I think God has a sense of humor in some ways, because with three live births and four miscarriages, I did have seven pregnancies, like my husband originally requested when we first got married. I gave him seven pregnancies; God gave us three babies.

I still think about the four that I have in heaven. I remember exactly what month and year each of them went to be with Jesus, and I believe that I will get to see them all one day in heaven. Until then, I hold a special place for them in my heart, and I squeeze the ones God blessed me with on this side a little tighter.

Prayer, worship music, journaling and talking about it helped me to process through each one. There is no specific remedy or time frame. It is a real grieving process and you may go back and forth between the stages of grief, and that is okay. This is your journey. No one can tell you how to navigate it. I just want you to know that you are not alone. And I am more than willing to be here and to listen. The enemy wants us to believe that we are alone and keep us in isolation, but we were made for community. You may not be breathing right now, metaphorically speaking, but I promise you that you will breathe again. You will have a different perspective on life, and you will be comforted. God’s got you. I’ve got you, too.

Proverbs 27:17 tells us that, “as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (NIV)

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