Infidelity
In my experience, I don’t think I’ve found or come across a pain quite like that of infidelity. So many layers come along with it that last far beyond the act of betrayal itself. I understand and can relate to you. I will share my story, and offer some solutions to you that helped me along this journey.
When I got married, I was so excited! We had a huge wedding, with ten bridesmaids and ten groomsmen, a ring bearer, two flower girls, and a host of family and friends. So much planning goes into a wedding, that we often don’t think about life after the wedding. We imagine that it is all roses and sunshine, but for us, that changed very quickly.
About two months into our marriage, I was still trying to determine exactly what I wanted to do with my life in terms of my career. My Bachelor’s degree and my experience didn’t match, and I was ready to do something different, outside of the restaurant field. I put in my two weeks’ notice prior to securing a new job, which, of course, created some tension, but I didn’t realize at the time how much tension it caused.
When it came time for our one-year anniversary, my husband went out of town for a week, and when he returned, he announced that he had been unfaithful. Very casually blurted it out. I was very hurt and wondering why I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t understand what I could have done better, but I pledged that I would do and be better so that he wouldn’t feel the need to run to the arms of another woman.
He had a few more rendezvous with her before he cut it off, and we moved forward. Two years later, about three months before our three year anniversary, we had been arguing a lot and we went to one counseling session with our pastors. My husband had told me about a woman at work that took off all this pressure from him and really helped him a lot. The way he described her sent off alarms in my spirit. and I told him that he should stay away from her.
Right after our three-year anniversary, my husband confessed to cheating with her. Two or three weeks later, he also admitted that she was pregnant. At. The. Same. Time. As. Me. A few more weeks went by, and he said she was having twins. Layer after layer. Blow after blow. When the twins were born and turned six weeks old, he brought them home to me and asked if I could keep them because he had to work, and so did their mom, and she also needed to go back to school. I was working from home with my other two already. I said okay, and I raised those two little girls as my own for many years to come. They didn’t live full time with their mom until they were fourteen years old.
To add insult to injury, my husband and their mom continued their affair the entire time - almost fifteen or sixteen years. When I say the layers run deep, they truly run deep. I have met a lot of women who have experienced infidelity - I haven’t met any who have experienced it quite like this.
I questioned my worth, my value, why I wasn’t enough. I suppressed a lot of feelings, and kept trying to improvise, adapt and overcome - the military motto that I was born and bred with - and it came to a day that I couldn’t suppress it anymore. I chose me. I started counseling, and praying, and journaling, and healing. And I promised that I would teach and empower women to know that they are enough. That they are more than the roles they fulfill or the titles they hold. That God gave them purpose and value before He formed them in their mother’s womb. Way before they were married, way before the infidelity. You mattered, and you are still that woman of purpose and value. No one else can take that away. You are not their actions and decisions. It ultimately affects you, but it does not define you.
If you want to talk about it, or want to know more about some steps you can start taking now, please reach out.
Email me: support@thejourneyofyou.net
Text or Call me: (678) 310 - 4357
Connect Face to Face: https://calendly.com/coach-tonia/discovery-call
Infidelity also includes pornography addictions. Anyone that causes a comparison to you or that your spouse goes to for sensual pleasure that isn’t you, is an affair. Emotional affairs included. Don’t feel like you don’t matter if it wasn’t a physical affair. Sexting as well. They all are included under infidelity and can be just as damaging.
Possible Solutions
Feel free to explore which ones work best for you. There is no one size fits all. We each have our own individual journey’s, but you don’t have to walk in it alone.
Prayer - I know that sometimes it may feel like your prayers aren’t being answered, or you may be upset with God and not want to pray or talk to Him, but please know that He wants to hear from you. He can heal the hurting places, and He can even handle you being upset with Him. He won’t love you any less. He can help you forgive yourself, and your spouse. He extends grace and compassion to us, and asks that we do the same. Not that you will forget, and not that you will forgive overnight either. Again, it is a day-by-day journey, but prayer does change things and helps you elevate the level of your perspective. None of us are perfect, and we need God’s help to be our strength and our peace.
Join a community or support group (https://www.thejourneybeyondbetrayal.com) I joined this community over seven months ago, and through weekly group meetings, book studies, Q&A sessions with experts and 1:1 coaching, I have made huge leaps and bounds in terms of healing and learning how to navigate triggers. Kate Conwell is the founder, and she, too, has experienced infidelity, which is why creating this community was so near and dear to her heart. Talking to other women who have experienced infidelity helps because they understand your moments of crazy and know exactly how you feel. People who haven’t experienced it don’t always understand or get it. It’s a safe space to share as much or as little as you want.
Get counseling - even if you don’t go to couples counseling, you will need a counselor that can walk through the various stages of grief with you and give you the tools that you need to determine the best next steps for you. Take all the time that you need and do not allow anyone to rush you into making a decision. Research counselors that have dealt with infidelity and can empathize with you, while also help guide you at the same time.
Journaling - whether you do it daily, weekly, or monthly, take time to sit down and write how you are feeling. Write it to God. Write it to a friend. Write it to yourself. Write it to other women that you want to help. You don’t have to show it to or share it with anyone. It is therapeutic and gives you a way to release what you are feeling. Especially in the moments that you are overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and can’t navigate through it.
Good Books to read:
Of course, the Bible :-)
Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dennis Ortman Yep, just like PTSD. It is that serious, and you can’t walk through it alone.
Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser Great actionable steps that you can take on your healing journey after betrayal.
I read these two personally in the Journey Beyond Betrayal Community, and they helped immensely. One, they helped to know that everything I was feeling was normal, and two, they gave me some actionable and practical steps to keep moving forward.
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst (She has also experienced infidelity and this one is a great read.)